Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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