I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
