True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
