Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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