You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
