youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
