im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
