Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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