I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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