I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
foreskin is a definite game changer
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
