Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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