I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
