Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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