I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
