I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
