I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
