why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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