Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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