If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
