No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
