Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
