When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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