There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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