Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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