How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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