If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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