I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
