I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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