Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
