Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
