My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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