Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
