The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
