you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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