just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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