R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
