Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
