if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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