you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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