worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
