i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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