Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
