she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Pooping to opera.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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