it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
