you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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