my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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