About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
