So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
