I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
A+ Viking dick
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
