Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
