I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
