just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He better not be in your backpack
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
