I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
