well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
